I’m trialing a new concept with the Comedy Writers Group community. Each month I’m going to give them a topic and the best submissions will get published in the newsletter. (The regular newsletter will go out too. This is just a bonus.)
Hot Takes on Hack Subjects
The challenge I’ve given the comedians is to find something fresh within well-trodden topics. So many comedy nights have become an ouroboros of the same stuff, comedians with the same lukewarm takes that they accidentally absorbed from watching a comedian do a bit about the same topic the week before.
But surely not every angle has been exhausted from these popular subjects right? Do any hot takes remain? Let’s find out.
This Month’s Topic: Dating Apps
There’s not a comedy night that goes by without the discussion of dating apps. They have been around for a decade (and even longer if we talk about online dating in general) and yet they are often brought up by comedians as if they are the first people to broach the subject.
I find the topic of dating apps fascinating. I’ve never been on one as I’ve been in a long-term relationship as long as they have existed (what a brag.)
To be honest, it’s less about the topic of dating apps and more the phenomenon of how they’re talked about by comedians. It makes sense that so many comedians have jokes about them, this certainly isn’t a dig at that. It’s more remarkable that every comedian seems to start their dating app joke in the same way.
‘Who’s on the apps?’ you’ll hear a comedian ask an audience as if dating apps aren’t almost as prevalent as air or water.
“Who breathes oxygen?” would be just as redundant a question. Sure, we’re not all on them but I bet we’ll be able to make sense of your joke. It feels as pointless as asking an audience if we’ve googled something before doing a joke about the internet (actually that’s pretty funny, don’t steal that.)
Yet the comedian seems compelled to ask “WHO’S ON THE APPS?’ as if they need the audience’s permission to proceed, like they can’t talk about it until a crowd of people give an indication that they’re familiar with the subject.
The fact that dating applications are just referred to as the apps should provide enough of an indication to every comedian considering asking that question that they could just skip to the next line.
So I was thrilled with this month’s submissions. Thanks to everyone who submitted jokes. If you enjoy their work, give them a follow!
MADDIE STOKES @madd.stokes
I never know what to put on my Hinge profile as an "about me" prompt. One time under “unusual skills” I wrote “I do improv comedy”.
The only response I got to was my improv teacher who saw it and wrote back, “cool”. So I didn't get a boyfriend AND I had to move cities.
ANDY PROCOPIS @procopics
A mate told me he had a shit sleep.
My knee jerk response was, "oh really, I had a great sleep".
I wasn't trying to be an asshole, I think it's just natural human instinct.
Although, I wouldn't brag to someone dealing with a cancer diagnosis that I was given the all clear.
I can't function after a rubbish night's sleep.
I don't know how parents do it.
Or even how childless people with snoring partners do it.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams only to find out they are a nocturnal groaner.
Sleep compatibility is really under represented in the dating app game.
We spend a third of our lives asleep. The majority of time spent with our partners is in bed.
There should be a dating app matching people who sleep on the left and right side of the mattress.
Or big spoons and little spoons.
or a snorer with a deep sleeper.
Profile pictures could just be a chalk outline of the position you fall sleep in.
The app could be called PYJAMR.
Like GRINDR, but you get to stay the night.
LOU JONES @lou__jones__
I’m the Viola Davis of dating, except instead of an EGOT, I‘ve got an EBHT. That’s when you’re awarded unsolicited dick pics from E-Harmony, Bumble, Hinge and Tinder.
SARAH STEWART @sarahstewartcomedy
It’s amazing when you think about it
That the human race has survived over thousands of years without dating apps
Today you only swipe right if he looks perfect
Years ago, you took whoever was standing after the plague had whipped through the village
Dating apps are a mystery to me
In my day we didn’t have dating apps
We didn’t have cell phones or Internet
In my day, you went to the pub
Got rat-assed
And married whoever you woke up with the next day
We had none of today’s problems with ghosting or catfish
In the 70s we were keeping it real
When my first ever boyfriend, Dave, ditched me
At the church youth group
I didn’t find out until Dave’s dad told my dad, who then told me!
I kept praying that God would manifest a miracle!
That overnight Dave would become gluten-intolerant
And choke on his communion bread
Now I experience dating apps vicariously through my daughter
She met a gorgeous man the other day through Hinge
They were sharing a romantic moment
He went to brush a loose hair off her face and tuck behind her ear
But when the hair didn’t budge he yelled “It’s attached!”
He realised to his horror that the hair was not growing from her head but from her chin
Daughter is changing her Hinge profile
“If you want sex on our first date, my answer is
Not by the hair on my chinny chin chin!”
ADAM O’SULLIVAN @thenerdinfinite
Dating apps are depressing... now that everyone has lost their bones.
I don't have time to explain. One night everyone lost their bones. EVERYONE.
Dating used to be about who had the most symmetrical face. NOW it's about who is the gloopiest.
‘Lost’ our bones as opposed to taken? Stop dwelling on the past.
Dating used to be about who had the hottest body, all tight and cinched skin close to the bones… that we no longer have. NOW it's about who can take up the most area. Look at the floor. Imagine it covered in skin, a person laying flat with no bones. You may think ‘ew’ – because of your bones. But now we think – HOT. DESIRABLE. SEXY.
I need you to stop focusing on ‘how’ we lost our bones and to focus on what’s REALLY ‘important’.
Dating used to be about who was the fittest, who could perform physical tasks without exhaustion or breaking your precious and underrated bones. NOW it's about sliming your way from one place to another.
Stop screaming. Start listening. Stop thinking. Start feeling.
Dating used to be secondarily about creating a life with somebody. But primarily it was about finding someone sexually attractive. Imagine two flat slugs crawling on top of each other and writhing around, melding together. That’s sex without bones.
This is the future. This is a warning. FOCUS. We are you.
Turns out we never really needed bones anyway.
Dating apps are depressing... now that everyone has lost their bones.